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  • Harry Jensen

March 7, 2021


I tried today. I went on a jog, flailed earnestly to a YouTube ULTIMATE AB SHREDDING workout, recorded an angry podcast, and still I felt like a shell of a man, living alone with his tiny white dog like a vein widower with a total of one visual abdominal muscles.

I spent a lot of money in a desperate attempt to feel like a person, a sentient being with goals, ambitions, and things synonymous with goals and ambitions.

Purchasables Not Sufficient to Make a Human Being

· Brita filters (4)

· Furnace filter

· Rawhide bones (9)

· Roasted red pepper humus (unrelated)

· Garlic (monstrous)

· Organic chicken thighs (boneless)

· Bananas (green flirting unto yellow)

· Skim Milk (gallon(!))

I cannot make a meal or a home with what I have bought, unless I can somehow transmutate a dinner of skim-simmering clucking banana garlic chickpea paste grated through the furnace filter, Britaed into perfection, and served with fossilized pig ribs for dipping. And even then, who would deem such a debaucherous chef’s hovel to be a home?


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